Overheard Out of Context

Recently, while moseying through the A concourse at the DTW airport, two teen boys hurried past me in the opposite direction. I’m estimating they were each 15 years old, based partially on a peripheral glance but mainly on the not-quite-high-but-definitely-not-low weird voice most 15-year-old boys and some unfortunate men have.

While they sped by, one teen said to the other, verbatim, “If I get a girlfriend, and if she has a Notre Dame t-shirt, I’m dumping her.”

What an astounding statement.

The boys were moving quickly, so that’s the only sentence I heard, which is probably for the best because now we can speculate.

If-Then Statements

The kid, whom we’re going to call Chase and who is possibly the normal age to be taking geometry, makes a pretty fantastic if-then statement, including two ifs.

IF I get a girlfriend and IF she has a Notre Dame t-shirt, THEN I’m dumping her.

Chase implies he wants a girlfriend. If he didn’t want one, he would’ve said, “If I had a girlfriend,” but he says, “If I get a girlfriend” as if he’s actively pursuing the situation. This also makes it less likely he’s lying to his friend about not having a girlfriend, which is already unlikely, as teens will lie about having girlfriends who go to different schools but will never lie about not having a girlfriend. Unless they have a second girlfriend, but that’s too advanced for our exercise.

Now, let’s invade Chase’s hypothetical future girlfriend’s closet. Does she have a Notre Dame t-shirt? Almost certainly, Chase is talking about the university and not the cathedral. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a Notre-Dame de Paris t-shirt, nor can I envision a kid having such strict standards against French Gothic architecture. But if she does have an offensive Notre Dame t-shirt, she’s history, even though she presently only exists in the future.

Being that we were in the Detroit airport, it’s probable Chase is a fan of the sports teams for either Michigan State University or the University of Michigan, with a lower likelihood of being a fan of USC. In any of those cases, Notre Dame would be a rival. Granted, there is no guarantee the kid is from Michigan just because he was in a Michigan airport, but when factoring in how much he hates Notre Dame as well as Delta’s flight schedules, it’s probably a Michigan-related collegiate allegiance.

Why would a 15-year-old kid care so much about college athletics that he would pre-dump a girlfriend he doesn’t even have but desperately wants?

Jealousy

My official theory: Chase is jealous. These two kids have a third, unseen friend. The unseen friend has a girlfriend who has a Notre Dame t-shirt.

Based on Chase’s tone as he spoke his nonsense, he wasn’t jealous of the kid to whom he was talking. He was talking about someone else. Someone who does have a girlfriend. Probably a recently added girlfriend.

Chase is not able to spend as much time with the third friend anymore (which would be fine if Chase were the one with the new girlfriend), so Chase hates the girlfriend, whom we’ll call Our Lady of Paris. Our Lady of Paris was wearing a Notre Dame t-shirt recently and Chase decided that will be what he hates about her and thus his unseen friend.

Still, why not simply say he hates her? Why the asinine if-then statement that now bans him for life from having a girlfriend with a Notre Dame t-shirt? And no, he can’t be mature and be happy for his friend; he’s a filthy teen.

If he finds out a girl has a Notre Dame t-shirt in advance, does he ask her to be his girlfriend just so he can dump her? Or does the t-shirt discovery have to come after the doomed union of teen souls? Can he use it as an out, gifting his future girlfriend a Notre Dame t-shirt when he tires of her so he can then dump her based on his personal policy?

No. He’s never going to dump anyone. Regardless, Chase, as a fan of absurd contingencies and a pessimistic optimist for our youth, I wish you the best in your pursuit of a girlfriend who doesn’t own a Notre Dame t-shirt.