The Wide-Variety Hierarchy

One of the most overused, absolutely useless phrases in advertising is “wide variety.” It’s number three on my list of copywriting pet peeves (behind co-number-ones “offer” and “provide” when used as verbs). However, some people, searching for new, superior ways to use lazy writing to tell readers nothing, are beginning to enthrall me.

They tell me about wide ranges. Broad spectrums. Comprehensive arrays. Robust collections. Some of these meaningless phrases are so hilariously hideous, I have to appreciate them for their creativity. These phrases are, in fact, the wide variety of wide varieties.

But what is a wide variety? If I tell you I offer (or provide) a wide variety of technological solutions, are you going to ask me to design an app? Recover your hard drive? Fix your CNC router? Send you to Saturn? To me, all those things (and more) are encompassed by a wide variety of technological solutions.

Using “wide variety” is a lazy way around actually selling your company. Full disclosure: most “writers” who mention wide varieties are not actually writers at all—they’re people with completely different job responsibilities and skills who are required to write the company brochure because they can write a complete sentence, unlike most of their co-workers.

How can you tell the difference between something written professionally and something written by an account manager with above-average writing skills? By rating the text on the Wide-Variety Hierarchy, of course. There are three levels to this hierarchy:

Verbatim means the text includes “wide variety” exactly, although I’d also include “wide range” here if I didn’t fear having to argue the definition of “verbatim” with someone who thinks like I do. Really, anything that begins with “wide” could be classified here. When you see this, you know you’re reading the words of someone who works at the company in question but not as a writer. Or a hack pro.

Creative means one of the ridiculous alternatives, like “incalculable multiplicity” is included in the text somewhere. This implies the writer knows enough to not use a generic phrase, but not enough to realize he’s just using another version of a generic phrase. These people are either above-average non-writers or burgeoning professionals who will eventually realize the laziness of their ways. Or hack pros.

Absent means there is no form of “wide variety” anywhere in the entire document. It actually tells a compelling story of whatever is being sold and leaves you, the reader, with some meaningful information in your head. When you see something devoid of this type of lazy writing, you know you’re reading something written by a true professional. Or a hack pro.

Armed with this insider information, go forth and analyze all writing. Take joy in being able to tell the difference between a true professional and a well-meaning non-writer employee, all the while considering the wild cards that are the hack pros, who could pop up at any time. Most important, disregard this entire piece of writing, as it is rife with an inestimable wealth of wide varieties, and therefore disqualifies me from the top tier of the Wide-Variety Hierarchy. To be technical, though, I didn’t get paid to write this, and therefore am allowed to act as an amateur.