A Wide Variety of Ways to Annoy Me

If you’ve seen at least three ads or brochures in your life, especially local ads, you’ve seen the term “wide variety.” Or “wide range.” Comprehensive array, full spectrum, broad range, etc. They’re all the same and they all mean nothing.

When I read any of these terms in a marketing piece, I stop reading, which is making this rant very difficult to write, since I stopped reading when I typed “wide variety” in the headline. Writing without reading is not easy.

In life, people learn from what they experience. Children of parents who say “ain’t” are going to learn to talk that way just as children of multi-lingual parents are going to learn to say “ain’t” in more than one tongue.

So, when business owners write, they write what they’ve seen other business owners write. At some point in history, someone decided a business had no value unless it worked for every person in the world—a wide variety of people. Or, if the business could handle every problem for one person—a comprehensive array of solutions.

But these terms mean nothing. They waste space and words without telling me any real information. You can give me a wide range of solutions? Well, I only need one solution and I don’t know what your wide range includes. Therefore, you lost my business.

Let’s return to the ain’t-speaking children. Within the last two paragraphs, they grew up. The multi-lingual kid’s résumé says he speaks “a wide variety of languages.” Some company in Russia hires him, assuming that wide variety includes Russian. He moves there, can’t understand anyone, and gets lost.

The other kid, who took advantage of high school to learn a second language, touts his language skills on his résumé: “Speak fluent English and Spanish.” He gets hired as a highly respected bi-lingual hero and enjoys every second of the rest of his life.

Please, even if you refuse to hire me, stop telling everyone about your wide varieties and broad ranges. Tell us what you do, what problem you solve and why our lives will be better with your product or service.