You’re treating yourself to some culture, wandering your local art museum. Because no one else cares about culture, you’re one of very few patrons wandering the galleries, appreciating the art and, I hope, not photographing the art.[1]

The sparse population in the building makes it easy to notice in most, if not all, of the rooms, there are security guards whose job is to make sure nobody steals anything and nobody touches anything. In addition to the stationed guards, there are mobile guards who walk the halls to keep an eye on things.

That’s where things get weird. The very point of their jobs is to look at people. They have to watch me to make sure I don’t steal a sculpture or encroach too closely on a painting. And yet, they appear to do everything in their human power to make it look like they’re not looking. Likely, they do this to make it less awkward on the patrons, who would otherwise feel watched, even though they know they’re being watched.

This is an even exchange, as most patrons are horrible people and thus refuse to acknowledge the presence of a security guard. The patrons pretend they don’t see the security guards and the security guards pretend they don’t see the patrons, despite the fact the security guards are employed to keep watch over the patrons.

Next time you’re in a scenario like this, try to make eye contact with a security guard. It’s not easy. A patron and a security guard have to silently collaborate to pretend the other doesn’t exist, which typically would completely defy common decency, except such defiance is required to complete the social contract between watcher and watchee.

Please Divert Your Attention

“Please direct your attention to the flight attendants for a safety demonstration.”

How many of you have ever actually directed your undivided attention to the flight attendants?

It’s awkward.

Despite the flight attendants standing in full view of hundreds of people, approximately zero of those people actually give undivided, consistent attention. And, if you do, the flight attendant notices. Then what happens? You’re supposed to be paying attention, but you’re the only one doing so. Now the flight attendant feels weird and it’s all your fault. Sort of like when you were in a very small class in college and most or all of your fellow classmates didn’t show up one day. Just you and the professor. It’s still a class, but it’s creepy for both of you.

On a plane, you are specifically asked to pay attention to a specific person. However, doing so makes everything socially strange for everyone. Again, you must break the rules to adhere to the rules. Amazingly, most people are still able to insert the flat end into the buckle and tighten by pulling on the strap.

Elevating Small Talk

Oh, the joy of elevators. Standing in a tiny moving box with total strangers, some of whom are dripping and reeking of chlorine, completely ignoring each other despite the completely impossible scenario of not noticing someone else in that space.

If you’re on a high floor, you get in the elevator and hope beyond hope the thing doesn’t stop so some other goober can get in. Likely, that person is not expecting you to be in there and is startled, semi-ironically easing the tension due to one kind of fear easing another kind of fear. And then you stand there in silence, staring at a matrix of buttons as if they are the Venus de Milo.

Again, you must totally ignore someone while simultaneously sharing an uncomfortably small space in order to create comfort.

One must appreciate the beauty of having to be impolite to be considered polite. Mustn’t one?

[1] Why do people do this? Some will photograph every single piece in the museum, never actually looking at the art except to frame it on their stupid cell phones. Do they go home and scroll through 8,000 photos to have the art experience of a lifetime? You’re at the Louvre, you goon. And, by the way, no photo you take of the Mona Lisa from 15 feet away through a gigantic glass case is going to be as good as other widely available photos. Stop going to art galleries. Just stay home and stare at the internet.