Hotels try to make you comfortable. They want you to feel at home, even though you are very obviously not at home. These are good attempts gone horribly wrong, as you apparently think these alleged comforts mean you can take advantage of every other person in that home away from home.

One of the most desired hotel amenities, according to multiple surveys of frequent travelers[1], is free breakfast. As we all know, it’s not actually free (and hotels call it complimentary), but it feels free, so it should be one of the best parts of the day.

But then I walk downstairs and see you in your pajamas[2]. Your hideous, uncovered feet are trudging down hallways, in elevators and through the buffet area, the revolting clamminess picking up every hair, booger and infectious bacteria cell. Why are you so disgusting you think it’s healthy to be walking around a hotel without shoes, slippers or even socks on? And why do you think it’s okay to subject other guests to your mangled extremities adorned with nothing more than scrambled-egg shards?

If I were to visit you at your home, would you be dressed that way? Probably not, because we are strangers. Why does a hotel make you comfortable enough to show me you at your worst? You are disrespecting every person who is or might be in your vicinity.

“It’s a free country.”

Yeah, you have rights and freedom, but they are not to infringe on the rights of others. You and your complete disregard for decorum are abhorrently infringing on the rights of everyone around you. Put some shoes on, you repulsive filthbag.

The Pool is Located in the Pool Area

There’s nothing wrong with you wearing your swimming costume while in the pool area. That is appropriate attire for the activity and locale. However, just because you are about to go swimming or you just finished swimming does not mean you can wander around the hotel in that uncovered swimming costume.

Many hotels have changing rooms. Walk to the pool dressed like a civilized human, change in the change room[3], swim, change, walk to your room like a civilized human.

In hotels without changing rooms, you can still put clothes on over your swimming costume, walk to the pool dressed like a civilized human, swim, dry as best you can, put clothes back on and walk to your room like a civilized human.

No one wants to stand in an elevator with your almost-naked hair-growth factory of a body, dripping all over the floor and sighing loudly with your chlorine-and-coffee breath. Do you feel any twinge of awkwardness at all while you’re doing that?

Some of the worst offenders of this are kids, who love hotel pools and typically are with the rest of their youth-sports team or whomever. Because kids think they can do whatever they want at a hotel and parents hand them trophies for successfully finding the right room rather than teach them how to behave in public, elevators turn into wading pools of child grime.

Being caught in an elevator with a group of just-swam children is one of the worst experiences in life. They have no towels and have made no attempt at drying anything. They shout meaningless jabber at each other, press all the floor buttons and then all get out at the same time, running down the halls shouting about knocking on someone named Chase’s door.

You’re all jerks.

[1] Most notably mentioned several times by Anthony Melchiorri on Hotel Impossible, and I’m counting this as a bibliography.

[2] It’s important to note this behavior, and all behavior described herein, takes place at high-end hotels as well as fleabags. Thus, the potential argument of “You get what you pay for” is irrelevant, as apparently you are paying for a glimpse of the worst of society at every hotel.

[3] Crash Test Dummies