A text message from a dentist:

“Hello. This is a reminder of your appointment Tuesday, October 29^th at 11:00 AM. Please call or text to confirm. Please note we do not accept cancellations by text.”

No. I confirmed the appointment when I made the appointment.

Also, you’re bombarding me with violations of several of my biggest writing pet peeves, which persist despite my efforts not to care about such things (my biggest pet peeve remains to be the fact I have pet peeves). You should write “October 29” and say “October twenty-ninth.” And 11:00 AM is wrong for multiple reasons. And while “cancellations” is not technically wrong, “cancelations” is far superior. Further, I assume you don’t accept cancelations by text because so many people immediately canceled when you sent those awful confirm-the-confirmation texts.

What happened to the simple phone call, made the day prior to the appointment, reminding me of my appointment in case I’m incapable of making note of when I’m supposed to be places? Now I have to be pestered with a demand to reconfirm the confirmation I already confirmed?

These text messages have been coming, unwarranted and undesired, for a few years now, and I’ve never responded. Despite that, the fine dental professionals always let me in for my appointments. I’m being asked to reconfirm a confirmation despite the reconfirming having no bearing on the confirmation. On the plus side, it gives us fodder for small talk when I walk in loaded with complaints about this topic. Related: small talk is so vilely unavoidable that it exists even when one party has scraping devices and water guns shoved in his mouth.

A text message from a restaurant:

“Hello. We have you confirmed for a 7 p.m. reservation tonight. Please respond 1 to confirm or 2 to stop messages.”

No. I confirmed the reservation when I made the reservation. You confirmed that confirmation in your very own confirm-your-confirmation text when you said you had me confirmed just before asking me to confirm.

After doing no research, it’s safe to hypothesize restaurants deal with more no-call-no-shows than dental offices, so it makes more sense for a restaurant to ask for a confirmation confirmation than a dental office. Still, it is nauseatingly unnecessary.

What if I respond with 2? Am I also canceling my reservation? You don’t imply that but you don’t not imply that, either. I’m paranoid that demanding you stop bothering me will prevent me from bothering you at my appointed time. So I don’t respond at all. And then you keep texting me. And I keep showing up when I said I would because that’s the time I confirmed when I confirmed the reservation.

I made my reservation and I will be there. If I’m not, give away my table. Yes, this is tedious and annoying for you, but so is sending me a text message, even if it’s automated. You’re equally annoyed whether you ask me to confirm my confirmation or not, but I’m only annoyed if you ask me. By letting people take responsibility for their own plans, and knowing you’re going to be annoyed anyway, at least you remove some aggravation from society, making you worthy of high praise.

Don’t you want to be worthy of high praise? Comment 1 to confirm.