Talking to Babies

On rare occasions, I talk to babies. Typically, this happens when friends of a normal age are accompanied by a baby while in close proximity to me. My conversations with babies are not long and they are not enthralling. Usually, the jerks don’t even respond to me beyond a toothless smile.

While not enthralling for me, these conversations are sometimes captivating for other adults due to the simple fact I use a normal speaking voice when talking to babies. This doesn’t involve the widening of my eyes, the physics-testing expansion of my jaw as if I am in a constant state of surprise nor a ridiculous decision to raise my voice several octaves while simultaneously whipping my head back and forth.

I simply speak to babies as I speak to other humans.

For some reason, other adults think this is hilarious. Why, if I ask your child how he is doing in a calm, professional-quality voice, is that funny? Babies don’t get my sense of humor[1], so why would I waste time trying to be funny? I’m merely trying to be friendly to a little human, and it results in the baby’s parents laughing at me.

Just hours earlier, those same parents were at the grocery store with the same baby. After paying, the parents made complete fools of themselves as they exaggerated their speech and raised their octaves while flailing their hands in a pathetic waving motion, repeating, “Can you say bye bye?”

A lunatic talking like that, in public, to a stranger at the checkout counter, appears normal while I am shunned for trying to instill a little reality into a child?

Furthermore, when a parent does that to an innocent person working the cash register, that parent is assuming some form of friendship with the cashier. Why else would the parent care about the child bidding farewell to the total stranger?

In some ways, this is good, as all people should show respect, but if that parent were in the store sans child, there is little doubt there would be no friendly banter or any sort of pretense of happiness to interact. One party hates shopping and the other party hates working. And yet, here we are, watching a parent behave like a complete buffoon while an innocent worker has to feign a smile with neither of them being called on it.

I don’t know how anyone learns anything anymore.

[1] Actually, I theorize they do, as babies and children are far smarter than anyone is willing to admit, but they don’t give me the adoration of sustained laughter.