You Did Steal My Coat

So, Coat Thief, it’s very evident now: you’re one of the bad guys. You reside among the scum of society. You did not make an honest mistake. Rather, you committed a crime. Even if you did make an honest mistake originally, by now, it’s a crime. There is no way you haven’t figured out the coat keeping you warm does not belong to you.

Did you not notice the 97 cents in the interior pocket? A pocket your smelly jacket doesn’t even have, by the way? Did you not notice the ketchup packets in the right front pocket? Come on, you rotten individual, who has ketchup packets in the front pocket? Not you. All you had was a business card for a golf instructor. Have you tried to get that out of your coat yet? If so, you got a handful of ketchup. You are a complete dolt or a shady thief. Quite probably both.

Have you by now realized it’s not your coat, but figured it would be easier to assume the person you victimized took your coat as a trade and all is well? All is not well, you jerk. I didn’t sanction this trade, and your coat is inferior to mine. Plus, unlike you, you filthy deviant, I am an honest individual who left your coat at the establishment so you could conveniently pick it up when you returned mine. Apparently, that’s not going to happen.

You are an awful human. You are also a warm human, and you can take joy in knowing I will have to purchase a new coat. Even if you do eventually return mine, I know it will reek of the stench you left on your coat. I can never wear it again. But as you know, that’s no matter, because you stole it.

In the coming days, I will return to the establishment and take the business card of your golf instructor out of your coat. I am now a writer who moonlights as a detective. Yes, just like the premise of HBO’s Bored to Death. I will call Ted Danson and get things in motion. Oh, wait—I left Danson’s number in my coat, which you stole. Instead, I will watch an episode of Cheers for inspiration and then investigate this as best I can.

I do not want your coat. It is disgusting and smells of rotten person. Since you are a complete idiot, I will explain that to you: you are a rotten person.