Three Things Wrong with the Travel Industry

While I would thoroughly enjoy ranting on the normal things you would expect to be included under a headline like this, I’m trying to stay off as many useless watch lists as possible, and although I realize this sentence alone just added me to a few more, perhaps it would be fun to chastise the travel industry in new, exciting ways.

Because of the uproar over all the things people have to go through just to visit family, take a vacation or do some business, airlines and hotels are getting away with minor offenses for which we should no longer stand. At a minimum, we should find simple amusement in these things.

1. Everything is complimentary.

What’s wrong with free? Why are airlines so adamant about complimentary snacks? Why do hotels need me to know the coffee in the lobby is complimentary? Is “complimentary” some sort of self-aggrandizing word that makes these companies feel better about themselves?

First, the costs of these complimentary items are included in the rates we pay as travelers, so they’re not really free at all. Second, let’s ignore that because we like free stuff, so we tell ourselves it’s free. And then they tell us it’s complimentary. These self-important scumbags need to calm down and give me some free coffee.

2. They apologize for any inconvenience.

This is probably the most insincere apology possible. Next time someone apologizes to you for any inconvenience, walk up to the desk or counter or wherever the apologetic person is and say, “Like you mean it this time.”

“Your flight has been delayed. We do apologize for any inconvenience.”

No. Apologize for the flight being delayed. We can take the rest from there. We know it’s not your fault, Gate Agent, and we appreciate, I suppose, you apologizing on behalf of the company, but when you apologize for “any inconvenience,” you’re actually apologizing for nothing, while adding another inconvenience to my life of having to hear you say that.

“Well, sure, Jef,” says an argumentative jerk, “but they’re not sure if you’re missing a business meeting, a tee time or a funeral, even though the plane is going to leave a mere two minutes after its scheduled departure, so they have to apologize for any inconvenience because each traveler has a specific inconvenience.”

Not true. We all have one shared inconvenience: our flight is delayed. Apologizing specifically for that—the cause—is enough. How that affects each of us individually is inconsequential. Apologizing for any inconvenience is the same as apologizing for a wide variety of reasons, and we all know how useful that is.

3. They do use superfluous verbs.

Listen closely next time you’re at the airport or on a plane. The gate agents, flight attendants and captains apparently are instructed to put the word “do” in front of every verb, shunning adverbs in favor of modifying verbs with more verbs. “We do ask that you board only when your zone number is called. We do appreciate you flying with us today. We do need you to turn off your electronic devices. We do apologize for any inconvenience.”

Why? Political correctness, that’s why. Society is so full of over-sensitive idiots these days, we can’t even say “We ask you to board…” because it sounds too abrupt and forceful, thereby offending someone and leading to a class-action lawsuit. If we add “do,” suddenly we’re just telling you about asking you to board rather than asking you to board, removing the gate agent from any personal involvement and the perceived harshness of a polite question.

This way, no one gets offended and everyone gets a trophy. A complimentary trophy.